An undiscovered world….

So following from my previous post, I shall guide you through a year of infertility that caused me so much pain that it is impossible to describe the magnitude thereof.

It all started all and well.  I mean, every second person is pregnant.  Don’t tell me they had to get a degree to fall pregnant.  It will be easy, they said. Right?  mmm.. WRONG !

So where do I start?  I guess we have to do the dirty if you know what I mean…. That sounds easy enough.  I have always been very in tune with my body so I always know if something is not right or not.  Luckily for me all my “lady” stuff was always problem free.  So no problem there at least.

When I decided that a baby is what I want NOW I done a lot of research.  Google became my best friend.  I couldn’t believe that baby making is a whole community out there. I mean its huge.  I went onto forums, read articles, facebook, downloaded apps, ovulation predictors, ebay, amazon, you name it.  Because having a baby was something that I started preparing for a few years ago I knew the basics of ovulation to start with.  Let me tell you mate, basics ain’t gettin’ you anywhere!

First of all I had to learn the lingo.  It took me a while I must admit but now I am a pro.

Those are just a few of the abbreviations.  You get to know them better as you go along. So my first month I done some reading, not a lot.  Enough to get the drift at least.  I wish I could share with my real family  and friends what I was about to learn about TTC.  Even my boyfriend?  How could I?  Everyone would think I was nuts, wouldn’t they?  I say this because nobody I know personally has ever had to fight for this.  They all just end up pregnant like its something natural.  Like you go to bed and the next morning you wake up, you a pregnant.  Va Va Voom! They never educated us a school that falling pregnant could possible be hard?  They made us believe that one slip up, at any time of your cycle could result in a pregnancy! Maybe it was for our own benefit then.  I mean, pregnancy at 17 would not be cool! I just wish I never used all the contraceptives that I did! I could have saved a significant amount of money.  Money I could have used to buy shoes.

Well anyway, back to business.  It was my first month at actual trying. The previous years it was just NTNP (not trying not preventing).  With the bit of knowledge that I attained we tried to make a baby.  I can’t believe I knew so little back then.  I actually have to giggle thinking back at the silly things I done like taking a pregnancy test 3 days after I ovulated.

Even though its a year later and I still have no baby, at least i gained so much knowledge. I just wish I could share it with everyone around me. I wish I could share my pain with someone.  I wish someone could share their pain with me.  I am angry, I am defeated, I am hurt.  I am in a deep dark whole and I see no light! Is God punishing me?  Why would He do that? What did I do wrong? Is this ever going to end? I have adopted this as my lifestyle for a year now.  Do I even want it to end?

My infertility from the start

Part one

I walk down the road to pick up my son from school. I don’t know why the thought has never really crossed my mind as intense as this very instance. In two months I am going to be the big 30 !!! Really? What happened to all the years between 20 and 30? It feels like I have been in a coma. Why, only now, do I panic that my biological clock is ticking? Shouldn’t I have thought about it during my 20’s ?

I guess I have always had it in the back of my mind during the years that I would have another child at some point in my life. However, there was always something else that has taken priority. It is called LIFE ! After having a child 11 years ago, it was always something that I would consider later in life, just not right now. Not right now turned into years. 10 years to be exact. There has been moments in life where I have wanted another baby. Mostly after having seen someone else’s cute baby. “Why don’t we have another baby?” I say to my long term boyfriend. “Nah”, “We can’t afford a second child”, “Not now” is just some of the things that he has said on numerous occasions. Never really bothered me then. I guess then were the moments where it was just baby fever phases.

When that moment hit me that I must NOW have a baby, I just knew it! 2 Years prior to that we had the baby talk and we both agreed that we would be happy if I were to fall pregnant. However, I was still doubtful at that stage. I wanted to lose a bit of weight first (like that ever happens, right?) and I was still fearful of giving birth again. Not too mention being worried about sagging boobs and stretchmarks!
This time it was different. I couldn’t care less about losing a bit of weight and I would welcome saggy boobs and stretchmarks with open arms! Hell, even the childbirth part seemed to be something that I could look forward to….

In the meantime my best girlfriend who is childless is getting a lot of pressure from the in laws as well as her own parents on when she and her husband will be starting a family. We talk about it endlessly over coffee. Yes, she loves children but is she ready? She wants to know, how do you know if the time is right to plan to get pregnant? I guess her state of mind explains where I was a year ago. “You just know” I tell her. I guess the best way to explain it is watching romantic comedies where a girl asks her best friend how you know if you have met the “one” … You just know it….

The time is right for me. I’m hoping for a positive pregnancy test in a few months. If only I knew what was lying ahead of me. A pain far worse than I could have ever imagined is even possible to endure.
To be continued….