So following from my previous post, I shall guide you through a year of infertility that caused me so much pain that it is impossible to describe the magnitude thereof.
It all started all and well. I mean, every second person is pregnant. Don’t tell me they had to get a degree to fall pregnant. It will be easy, they said. Right? mmm.. WRONG !
So where do I start? I guess we have to do the dirty if you know what I mean…. That sounds easy enough. I have always been very in tune with my body so I always know if something is not right or not. Luckily for me all my “lady” stuff was always problem free. So no problem there at least.
When I decided that a baby is what I want NOW I done a lot of research. Google became my best friend. I couldn’t believe that baby making is a whole community out there. I mean its huge. I went onto forums, read articles, facebook, downloaded apps, ovulation predictors, ebay, amazon, you name it. Because having a baby was something that I started preparing for a few years ago I knew the basics of ovulation to start with. Let me tell you mate, basics ain’t gettin’ you anywhere!
First of all I had to learn the lingo. It took me a while I must admit but now I am a pro.
Those are just a few of the abbreviations. You get to know them better as you go along. So my first month I done some reading, not a lot. Enough to get the drift at least. I wish I could share with my real family and friends what I was about to learn about TTC. Even my boyfriend? How could I? Everyone would think I was nuts, wouldn’t they? I say this because nobody I know personally has ever had to fight for this. They all just end up pregnant like its something natural. Like you go to bed and the next morning you wake up, you a pregnant. Va Va Voom! They never educated us a school that falling pregnant could possible be hard? They made us believe that one slip up, at any time of your cycle could result in a pregnancy! Maybe it was for our own benefit then. I mean, pregnancy at 17 would not be cool! I just wish I never used all the contraceptives that I did! I could have saved a significant amount of money. Money I could have used to buy shoes.
Well anyway, back to business. It was my first month at actual trying. The previous years it was just NTNP (not trying not preventing). With the bit of knowledge that I attained we tried to make a baby. I can’t believe I knew so little back then. I actually have to giggle thinking back at the silly things I done like taking a pregnancy test 3 days after I ovulated.
Even though its a year later and I still have no baby, at least i gained so much knowledge. I just wish I could share it with everyone around me. I wish I could share my pain with someone. I wish someone could share their pain with me. I am angry, I am defeated, I am hurt. I am in a deep dark whole and I see no light! Is God punishing me? Why would He do that? What did I do wrong? Is this ever going to end? I have adopted this as my lifestyle for a year now. Do I even want it to end?